Your Answers, Dumb Bitch.

I have a mentality of a boy, or at least I think I do.

Yesterday as I was at Mellissa's house, we were conversing and such. I was reading her blogs, and there was 2 of them that truly took my mind away into a different state, as the others blurred out. The 2 that made me think about myself, and what is going on in my life are 2 that are about love. Eesh, yes. Sucha strong, yet weakening word. As I was read them, I couldn't stop reading them. I read it over, and over again until my brain, and my heart could give me solid answers for myself. And finally, I had gotten them.
Let's set the records straight for you dumb bitches, yes especially you, who is psychotic and likes to make weird, dumb, shit up.
The past 2 years, have truly been the best. Although, there was a bunch of drama, all of it led to the biggest impact on my life. Yes, He was and had the biggest impact on my life. Yes, He was truly my hero. Yesm, I "fell" hard for Him knowing it would never work. No, I don't feel the same way now. Yes, He hurt me, and as Mellissa said, He did make a hole in my heart. No, I'm not sitting here mourning everyday and moping around here like some dumb bitch feeling sorry for myself because it was my own fault for getting into it. No, I'm not in love with Him anymore. Yes, there will almost always be a memory in my heart of what we had. No, you think you know, but you have no fkn idea. Yes, you can continue talking because I'm over it, unlike you. Yes, Him and I occasionally have our differences and sometimes rekindle something still knowing our feelings would only last for about a week. Yes, I always end up leaving or not liking someone as much because I get scared for another hole. Yes, I left and didn't give it my all with my previous ex's because of Him. Yes, I lied. Yes, I almost always lie. Yes, I sometimes go back because He's probably the only person who knows the whole truth about almost everything. Yes, that's why I stop talking to people because I hate having to explain my shitty past to them. Yes, he understands. Yes, he's like my best friend. No, you still don't understand it. No, I don't want to commit suicide over Him, you stupid bitch. Yes, occasionally I am a fool. Yes, we are not friends every other fkn week. Yes, I'm over it. No, I really don't care. Yes, I sometimes think about it. No, you still don't get it. Yes, its much more complicated and weirder than any situation your stupid ass will ever be in. Yes, you can continue pretending that he's your "man", when really he has a mentality that you don't, yet think you understand. Yes, he can give a fuck. Yes, you and your dumb friends can "jump" me, ha.

Everyone has a different perspective on this love shit. I for one have been in love. My perspective? Its not that I can't get over Him because I loved Him so much, blablabla bull shit. Its just that I think that I will never be able to let go of someone who made the biggest impact on my life. I wouldn't want to not know that person anymore because I'd feel like I let HER down because I promised her I would stick around to take care of Him. Little do you, yes you, know any of that. You know nothing. And you don't know what kind of connection I have with Him or His family. So shut your dumb mouth because I'm sick of you. You caused everything yourself. Do not blame me, Him, or anybody else for you being a fool. You don't know Him. Because if you did, you would never go back, or even trust Him enough in that way to be His girl friend. You cause everything upon yourself. And one day I hope that you aren't so stupid because I truly feel sorry for you. Its not that your a bad person, and that I hate you because I really don't know you. I'm just sick of hearing of what you say, so it makes me not like you because I am so annoyed. I say mean things about you because I don't care. And don't try to act innocent because I know you have said plenty and far more worst things than I can ever say about your lanky ass. Which you semi have a reason to. And which after reading all this, I'll probably be hearing more stories of how I supposedly wanted to commit suicide. But its okay, I don't care if you or your friends read this a hundred times. I'm stronger than that, and stronger than you will ever be. I have the ability to move the fk on, which I'm glad that I do. I have come to accept your drama-like ways that come along with ridiculous rumors. Which is understandable I guess. If I were in your position, I maybe would do the same. Yet, I don't think I would because my mentality is far more different than yours. I'm sorry for what happened. I really didn't mean it. Although considering the fact I didn't know anything, but you can continue changing that story around too. And I really don't care about your past with Him. Stop thinking He is this dude from the fkn 7th And 8th grade. He's different. Realize: He lies. I haven't known Him as long as you have, and I experienced His change too. Your not the only one.

Why do I think I am a boy? Because I confuse myself more than anyone in the world. I have come to realize that my mind changes on what I want almost everyday, just like Him. I lie about a lot. I don't try to be everyones friend and become close with people. I rarely get deep with anybody. If you know things about me, your special. And no, knowing things I've done doesn't count. I don't fall for stupid shit anymore. And I realize what I'm doing before I do it. I understand fully of what I'm getting myself into day to day with everything I do, and I understand all the consequences. Yet, I continue doing it because I don't give a fk. I don't care about a lot, or most things. I hate too many things, and I wish to change soon.

I'm pretty simple. I like simple things. A simple boy would be nice. A simple boy who has somewhat of a perfect smile, and a unique, different personality. I understand everyone is unique, but unique to a different extent. An extent only I would know. What I hope is that someone comes along and changes my view about everything. Someone that doesn't really know me, doesn't know my past, and who doesn't wish to know it. Someone who has a mind of their own, and minds their own. Someone who doesn't listen somebody else trying to tell them my past. Someone to make me not lie about everything. Someone to take it all away, because that someone will make me be willing to let my guard down once more, and have a 50% chance of making another hole. And to me, that is a big change. But, if I don't find someone like that, then its okay. I'm not eager for it at all, and I am able to wait for something good. As a matter of fact, I don't even want a boy friend, or really any another guy.

Who knows what love really is. I can not tell you, or anybody else on how they feel about a person or how many times you can or can not be in love with people. I would never know because I am not you. Nor do I ever wish to be..


p.s. And if you could, then you know you would..